![]() ![]() We’ve all been frustrated with someone who is ostensibly listening but is actually watching a video, catching up on their email or even mentally focused on their upcoming presentation. Yes, it sends a signal that you’re invested in their comments, but more importantly it mentally engages you more deeply into their comments, issues, etc. A great way to truly engage in what someone else is saying is by asking clarifying questions about their comments. People just love feeling heard and since so few people actively listen, there’s a tendency to really value those who do. Validating the other person’s comment is not just important for active listening it’s also a tremendously important relationship building tool. Before one partner launches into their version of the issue, it’s imperative that they communicate to their partner that they really heard them first. ![]() “So what I heard you say was….Just to be sure I have this right…Your primary concern is….”) There’s a reason why marriage counselors often ask couples to use this mirroring technique with their spouse. One of the best ways to develop a style of “listening to understand” instead of “listening to respond” is by developing a habit of repeating back the essence of someone’s comments (e.g. Develop a habit of repeating back others’ points. Let’s talk through specific issues that will need to be addressed so that you’re not being asked to do the impossible.” “Jeff, I hear your anger and frustration about the radical shift in timeline, and it’s certainly understandable. Indeed, people need to first feel heard with the heart, then the head so begin by acknowledging the emotion. When someone is highly charged, stressed, or otherwise emotional, it’s counterproductive to respond to the content and ignore the emotion. Acknowledge emotions during sensitive communications. “In such moments, they experience a break in the relationship - and with that, feelings of uneasiness, aloneness, or irritation.” “I’ve learned over the years how important it is for people to feel that another can pinpoint their thoughts and feelings - and, on the contrary, how upset they can be when they don't feel understood,” insists Selzer. Leon Seltzer explains how the ability to express to others that we “get them” is key to building strong relationships. “listening to respond.” The Psychology Today article “Feeling Understood - Even More Important Than Feeling Loved?” clinical psychologist Dr. Instead, active listening is often described as “listening to understand” vs. Ultimately, it may send the message that the listener doesn’t think they’re that important – ouch. Passive listening can in fact be counterproductive because it sends the other party the clear message that their message isn’t very important. Determine and communicate the why and you will help others and yourself as well.This deeper, more engaged and empathetic style of listening is often referred to as active listening because it’s just that – active. In discovering and determining the “why” you may even realize that there are things that you are doing, that you don’t even know why. People are much more understanding and even willing to buy in to whatever you are doing if they understand the why behind the what. Explain the “why” behind the “what.” This works in every aspect of life.If you want to have a quality life and quality relationships, be the first to say, “I was wrong.” Take responsibility for the mistakes that you make. The most important thing is that when we do blow it, we also own it. “I was wrong.” In other words, take responsibility.There needs to be an intentional effort, but it always need to be genuine, not manufactured. The praise needs to be frequent but sincere. ![]() No one gets enough praise, so truly outstanding people give praise often. Here are three things that I want you to be very intentional about communicating to the people you love the most. It’s also one of the most difficult things to accomplish on a continual and effective basis over a long period of time in a relationship. ![]()
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